Teaching Kung Fu

I taught a kung fu class of ten tonight. I felt greatly enlightened and I learned a lot. Teaching the classes I'm realising just how knowledgeable my teacher is. I've got a huge amount of respect for him and through this experience it's growing more and more.

He's in China getting woken up at eight in the morning to train for six hours. I hope he'll teach us something from his travels when he gets back.

The whole class buzzes and I watch as people make progress with their moves. I'm a big brother in this domain. I'm an experienced student. I'll be a teacher one day I'm sure. I know I'll love the work.

It's Too Loud

It's always the same when I get to thinking I'm blocked in. I need to escape. The loud music blares through the walls and into my ears. I put my fingers into my ears but I can still feel the vibrations. I can hear corny actors and hip-hop scores in-between scenes. I pull the blue covers over my head and breathe in my own carbon dioxide for a while.

I throw back the sheets. Grabbing my white trainers, the ones with the little pictures of studio equipment on I prepare myself to go out. I need to live in peace. I can't have this noise polluting my chan. I grab my keys from the small wicker basket.


I'm walking towards the light blue tower block and the thought of walking into the woods again bores me into submitting to the idea of taking a stroll towards Norfolk Park. I take a huge U-turn and head upwards. I feel safe at this hour. Midnight is pretty quiet around here usually.

I walk and I feel the cool air on my face and in my lungs. I reach the field and I can see some of the city lights. I know the view is about to get much better.

I take a seat amidst tall grass and trees. I'm hugging my knees and staring at the many lights that scatter across the city. I love looking down at all these lights but I wouldn't want to be in them I think.

I breathe slowly and calmly and contemplate crying yet I don't feel enough sorrow for that. I settle for deep contemplation and thought, or no thought as is the case as I gaze into the lights and black space. I stand up and pause for a moment before walking off. I think to myself how much I'd like to come here more often.

I stop before I reach the main road and look again at the blanket of orange and white lights. I do chi gung and practise my forms. My body feels fit and alive as I jog down the hill towards my flat. I reckon I've been about an hour although I purposely left my phone in the wicker basket.

I hope Leanne and Racheal are still in the living room. I really feel like chatting now and watching a movie. They aren't there I'll bet. Things always happen like that. It'll be me alone trying to be constructive in the peace of the night. Oh well. I don't mind that.

Leanne's in bed as I walk through the door. I know without looking because I can't hear the blaring surround sound of the television anymore and there are no voices chatting away. Damn.

Danny Wood is a Liar

Hi, my name is Danny Wood.

I'm a selfish, inconsiderate liar. I've fabricated stories and allowed people to believe that I'm something I'm not. I don't take people's feelings into consideration when I speak. I'm unreliable and inconsistent. I often bend the truth. I tell people that I'll do things then never do them. I abuse people's trust. I don't smoke or drink but these facts are the vices of my life.

I guess that means I'm honest now. I hope that means I can change.

Thanks for listening.

Tempered Heat

Her eyes are like bullets to my evasive stares. She's the kettle that's always boiling and I'm trying to blow on the lid to stop it from coming off. I tread lightly on the rice paper of her fury. Be quiet for me, please.

I walk across lukewarm floor tiles clutching bed sheets to my waist. They'll protect me. It's forever energy stealing. It's exhaustion in conflict. Wars have been easier. Less blood has been lost in battles. Who am I but the steely eyed determination that was once a pillar of arrogance? Where is my fire and why does every footstep quench the thirst that once propelled me to consume gallons?

I hang in there like Chan Buddhist meditation and the storm passes by while the rain pours. We breathe, both wounded and frail. We're half the presence we were but somehow brought closer. We're allies again. Forgiveness seems less of an anomaly. Hold my hand and let's talk about something other than washing clothes or work fatigue. Allow me to kiss your hand. I miss you, Sweet Heart.

Tell me this pain is in vain and I'll smile and relax. Let me know that this pressure is a futile pursuit and I'll laugh heartily at the birds flying past my murky window. I know this is how things must be. Sorry never did it for anyone. That was a temporary step, an IOU and a promise that good things would come. Only when these packages are delivered in full may I stretch out my arms and be the man I've been aspiring towards for so many years.

I wait patiently.

Danger is in the Imagination

My quest for inner peace and enlightenment continues. I'm in the woods and it's one o'clock in the morning. I hear every twitching branch and every distant voice. The police helicopter flies overhead. I'm breathing into my abdomen, channelling energy around my body.

The torch light illuminates gravel and dark green leaves. I'm aware that anyone could be behind these bushes. My eyes are wide and alert and I'm shooting them round at every breath of wind that tickles the cold tree branches.

I've faced my fear and I've got the energy to stay up till six. That's my routine. I stay up and do all the things I didn't have time to do in the day. I'll write for an hour, stretch and make music. Life is simple it would seem.

But where are the challenges?

Accidental Discoveries

I learned a lot today. I realised that no matter how much you dislike somebody's creative work you should probably keep it to yourself. Nobody wants to hear that their efforts are being disliked. I learned that forgiveness truly is power. I saw that sometimes you have to step back from something to see the true value of it.

Righteousness is the way forwards when faced with adversity. Maintaining respect towards others in social situations is important if you wish to maintain their respect for you. From feeling angry and frustrated this morning I changed my fate and ended up smiling and happy. I've seen people I haven't see in ages. It was interesting.

I've a strength that I can use. I can speak my mind and find the best way to do it. Today I've been communicating the way I wanted to and saying what I really meant. Other people have surprised me with their views but I respected them.

If you take a liking to me that's great. If you don't like me that's fine. I'm going to follow my path and pursue my goals like it's destiny. I'm through with written rants and indirect comments about people I dislike. The way forward is honesty, positivity and strength. I'll grow into something better, something stronger.

Rich!

I'm just a desperate man. I'm desperate for the truth and I'm desperate for progression. I don't know if you've heard but I'm rich! I'm loaded. I'm wealthy beyond all boundaries I ever thought I'd pass. I'm staring at my wallet. It's empty.

I've got the wealth of knowledge. I'm not educated or in university but I know what I want out of life and I know where I'm heading right now. I'm rich in character and I'm loaded with the love of the people around me.

It's a delight to learn martial arts and I never thought I'd be able to say this with sincerity but the martial arts have changed my life forever. Life isn't dull. I'm not destroying my health. I'm focusing.

It's all moving ahead. If I die tomorrow I know I've lived a great life. I've got positivity throbbing from my very attitude and it's helping me to see the light. Where will I be in ten years time? Keep watching.

Cracking Under my own Scrutiny

I punched him in the ribs. He was already hurt from the two times I punched him there last week. I'd hit the other guy's arm so hard with my arm a large purple lump formed above the forearm flexor muscles. I knelt down, laughing in hysterics. I screamed with laughter. Rich stood over me and pointed towards the door.
"Go home." I laughed harder. Had I become what I've always hated. Am I a bully?

I joke with her and my flippant attitude gets in the way of our conversations. Does she feel like I don't appreciate her enough? Do I lack in showing her that I care? Am I that insensitive? It's all a wash of confusion and I need the remedy.

I tell people I'll do something then I don't do it. I've been proclaiming that I'll do jobs and perform favours for the people in my life. I'm so inconsistent. People must be amazed at how unreliable I am.

The truth is I gaze into space and something takes over. Something matters more than those responsibilities. I get to thinking and I find myself moving forwards. I'm driven to find something exiting and interesting to do. Before I realise what's happening it's too late to do anything constructive. It's just too late.

The emotion builds up inside me and I dive inside my mind like a tunnel. No-one penetrates this lair. No-one gets close to me. I'm at the base of the tunnel hugging a blanket. I smile and I'm responsive but it's not me. I'm merely a shell of who I want to be. I want to tell you things but something always holds me back. I'm a bundle of inhibitions, afraid I'll be too controversial for your liking. You'll hate me and it'll all be my fault. If only I'd kept my big mouth shut.


I'm walking through the park. Something takes over. I stare at the shining turquoise leaves swaying in the summer afternoon air on the elephantine trees standing taller than friendly giants. My eyes grow wider and I stop walking completely. I breathe in deeply till my chest fills out and my shoulder blades relax. I breathe out and my diaphragm contracts. I put my bag down. I'm breathing deeply, focusing on my guts and my instinct. It'll all be better soon. I can rest easy. There's a remedy I'm always searching for. The truth is I'll have to accept who I am and hope others can accept that too. I'll try and understand myself better. I have to love myself. What am I without love?

Struggling

Struggle is useful. It teaches me a lot. I've learned more through times of struggle than I ever could being content. I'll give you a few examples.

Through no fault of my own I had a skin rash near my belly button. It was highly contagious. It wasn't a serious medical condition nor was it detrimental to my health. It did mean I couldn't have sexual intercourse. I truly learnt the value in building friendships before relationships in the time I was unable to have sexual intercourse.

I allowed my cash flow to nearly drop to half. I didn't have much money and I had bills to pay and arrears to clear. I realised how much money I'd wasted on every day things. I cut down my spending by half. Instead of eating out I bought food and ate in my home. I started to appreciate the things that I had rather than thinking about the things that I wanted.

I'm a big fan of the internet. I lost my internet connection because I was unwilling to pay the prices of British Telecom. I couldn't access the internet. I tidied my home and organised everything in it. I did lots of training. I realised that I'd been wasting my time by spending hours on social networking sites and instant messengers. I learned that I could have the internet and spend my time doing constructive things. These things would improve my life rather than waste my time.

I'm stronger with each realisation that comes to me. I'm always learning. I learn something every day. I make mistakes but I always try to avoid making the same mistake twice. I appreciate what I've got. I love the environment I'm in. I make the most of my time and the people that are in my life. I think that's the greatest thing struggle has taught me to do.