I'm Proud of Who I Am

Some people have a really serious look on their faces. I suppose I mimic that. I mirror it.

When you're living in a council estate it's wise to conduct yourself in a mature manner. If you think you're better than everyone else it attracts negative attention. When you think you're a bad man you attract the wrong type of friends.

I'm not a bad boy. Being a bad boy gets you in all sorts of trouble. I like to think I'm compassionate and amiable but I'm definitely not a 'nice guy.'

It's important to have a good posture and a strong body. If you ever need to defend yourself a strong body is what will make the difference between winning and losing. It's important to be down to earth.

I think fear is a sense that should be embraced. Without fear arrogance can set in and with arrogance comes complacency. When you're complacent you tend not to care. You become less self aware and if you're an arrogant posturing person people see it and it attracts trouble.

I'm not a macho guy. I almost laugh when guys glare at me or square up to me in the gym or anywhere else. I understand the plight of the alpha male. The more you try to be alpha and the more you push to be an alpha male the more 'alpha wannabe' you become. Knowing this enables me to relax. I don't care who's the hardest or who looks the best.

It seems weird to think about blogging. I've taken a step back and focused on other things recently. I'm aware I'll never stop writing. Writing to me is the process of thought set in concrete, it's wisdom imprinted onto the page.

Take a Breath and Just Go For It

I'm staring over the edge at the white water hitting the deep blue surface way down at the bottom. I hop on the spot and wonder for a moment if the brown sandals and Hawaiian shorts I'm wearing are enough for such a crazy jump. I breathe in but my chest feels tight. I stamp my feet. Okay, I'm going to do this.

I walk to the edge and tap the wet rock with the rubber sole of my sandal. I'm actually going to do this. I'm wiping the sweat from my hot brow and squinting up at the blinding sun.

I picture myself slipping on the take off. What if my neck hits the water's surface and snaps to one side? What if there are shallow rocks under the surface? I gaze down at the circular clearing of water surrounded by tall thin trees. If I survive this it'll be the single most daring thing I've ever attempted, and the stupidest.

I walk away from the edge and shake my hands and shoulders for the fifth time. Come on. I need to do this. I laugh nervously but then straighten my face and stare forwards at the edge of the waterfall. I run to the edge a little slower than I intent to. This is how I'll psyche myself up for the jump.

I run up three times and stop until something inside my gut tells me it's now or never. I could quite easily run up and stop three hundred times and still not do it. I breathe in and hop up and down gently. I stop hopping. I clap my hands and breathe out sharply. This is it.

Halfway through the run I realise my body is poised with conviction. Don't do it don't do it don't do it. My heal kicks down on the wet rock and it becomes very clear to me that my body is floating upwards and there's nothing under me apart from maybe seventy feet of air and flying water particles.

For a good few moments I'm making distance but now the laws of physics assert their power and gravity takes over. I'm falling and I'm falling fast. I'm screaming, my throat's vibrating but I can't hear my voice.

I look back at the rocky edge and realise I'm twisting slightly. A feeling grips my intestines like my whole stomach is being pulled out. the feeling rises to my throat. The water seems to fly upwards to meet me.

My back slaps onto the cold water like I'm penetrating a sheet of ice. I realise I'm under water. Which way up am I? I spin around a few times and open my stinging eyes to find the sun. There it is I think, peering at the wobbling white circle through the blue water. I'm about three metres under water. I breathe out and realise I've no breathe left. If I suck in now I'll have a throat full of Mediterranean sea water.

I keep my mouth closed as my head makes it out of the water. Suddenly I hear the trickling, splashing water and the sound of birds singing high up in the green branches of the towering trees. I'm screaming out and laughing giddily. I see Blank standing at the rocky edge.

'How is it man?' Calls Blank.
'Wicked man' I scream with excitement brimming over in my voice. 'just do it, the water's fine.' I scream again, feeling like I've just discovered the best adrenaline rush ever. I'm grinning and as I swim to the edge of the pool of water I glance down at my kicking feet. The water's so clear.

Blank disappears behind the rocky edge and I stop smiling for a moment to hold my breath. Come on Blank. His body appears and he's flying through the air and falling fast, waving his limbs like he's fighting thin air. I close my eyes hard as he plummets speedily towards the water's surface. I hear the splash like the clap of a seal's paw and I'm opening my eyes. I swim over to the circle of bubbles and froth as Blank's screaming head thrusts out of the water and up into the air.

Blinking Afresh

These fantastic feelings run through me.
I find it hard to say goodbye.
I look, I touch and I kiss.
I talk with energy
and smile in her face.
I never thought
hard work payed
until
now.

Running Through Panting Breath and Aching Muscles

The dog lunges forwards and the chain yanks on the dark wooden fence. The silver metal jerks and the dog's face contorts into an expression of anger and determination. It snarls and growls as spit drips from it's bloody jaws, landing onto the dry dirt at the animal's scurrying feet.

The chain pulls on it's ring and the animal pushes forwards with no sense of reluctance. It barks and stares forwards, yanking the chain until finally the thin metal prises apart under pressure. A loud snap echoes off the fence and the animal pelts forwards, dragging the flaccid chain.

The dog's short brown fur shines in the sun, it's muscular chest rising and falling with every short sharp breath. Sharp claws dig into the dirt and dust flies into the air behind the rear paws of the racing quadruped.

Paws patter onto a long wooden pathway leading out into the middle of a calm lake. The wind blows and the dog's ears flap like a flag flying in a blizzard. The dog's tongue hangs out from the right side of it's mouth. It speeds up and watches the end of the path.

The dog takes four long bounds and leaps into the air, propelling forwards like a rugby ball thrown at speed. The loud splash sends drops of pale blue water flying into the air and the dog decelerates as it's short legs trifle through cold lake water. The dog smiles and breathes. There's something guiding him, something in the air that tells him, something that drives him.

Walking out of the murky water the dog shakes, spraying a fine white mist from it's steaming body. He's running again, energy flowing through paw, through tongue and through heart. The animal slows down and catches it's breath as it reaches the edge of the cavern.

A calm child stands holding the hand of a dark skinned woman. They peer out of the large hole. The dog barks and pushes it's body weight down onto it's front paws. The woman and the child scream for help. The dog turns and sprints back to the water.

He understands something needs to be done. Maybe it's the whisper of the child's voice carrying on the abrasive wind that drives this tired beast. All he knows is that instinct pushes him forth like coal in a steam train.

Look at me with Relaxed Eyes

Hiding inside your warm embrace
I know you're sending great vibes through me.
Feeling madly, crazy, truly,
I never want to leave this place.

I plan to kiss your smiling face.
Your body's something I long to see.
Hiding inside your warm embrace
I know you're sending great vibes through me.

Your love is something that I chase.
You find the man that I want to be.
Our only secret is honesty.
I'm comfortable with our fast pace
hiding inside your warm embrace.

They Stare With Their Body Weight Forwards

Communicating with anger
makes a friend seem like a stranger.
It makes me feel like there's danger
and I often start to wonder.

All those angry words they linger.
Communicating with anger
makes the angry point their fingers
and that nearly leaves me angered.

I will not start to endeavour
when these men pay me no favours.
Communicating with anger
leaves me with a bitter flavour.

I'm always trying to savour
all those fruits from my hard labour
but these men they seem to favour
communicating with anger.

Even Though We Fight I Respect You

The water hits the dry grass making the sound of a thousand tiny hands clapping. I'm smiling but tears fill my red eyes. I know it's over.


Clenching my bloody fists and clasping the sword with all my life I grind my teeth and glare forwards at the wolf. The snarling animal leers at me and I know it wants me for dinner.

It lunges forwards and I'm looking at it move with time slowing down to a dull pace. I lift the sharp steel and swing the shining blade at the airborne animal. The cold sharp edge of the sword slices past the clean white fur of the wolf and into it's throat. The wolf drops to the ground. My blade is dripping red water onto the moisture starved grass beneath my bare feet. My hands are shaking.

The wolf twitches as I cast my weapon aside. It lands onto the green and yellow blades of grass and vibrates for a moment before stopping, motionless. I kneel down to the twitching animal and place my bloody hand on it's chest. I can feel the rhythmic beat of it's palpitating heart slowing down beneath my delicate skin.

The animal's eyes are distant but as it glances at me, white teeth still showing I feel a rush of emotion in my heart. The wolf's breathing slows and thunder claps from somewhere behind the grey clouds that disturb the bright winter sky. The rain will come now my friend, don't worry.

You Can Have My Digits

For a moment I think the wine's going to my head because the way she's looking at me and smiling reminds me of shampoo adverts. She's laughing a little too loudly as I tell her about the performance, my eyes perusing the floor. Ben's trying to cut into the conversation with
'Oh I like your bracelet' and she smiles at him with all her muscles but none of her intent.

I sense her body closing in on my intimate space as she lowers her voice to a whisper.
'Hey I might try this rock climbing business, you should take my number, or should I take yours?' Her eyes are exceptionally wide now and I find myself wanting to bob up and down on the spot to get my blood flowing. I tell her she can have my number and as she keys it into her silver flip phone she says something that worries me slightly. 'We could go climbing, go for a drink maybe after.'

Do I tell her I'm gay? Does she need to know? It's not that I don't like female company. I love hanging out with women. The problem is I can feel her desire for me. She can tell I'm hard to get. She might even sense she can never have me. That in essence drives her hormones wild with intrigue. My personality stands out and I'm a snappy dresser.

I say fuck it in my mind and decide to speak on it.
'You know I could invite my boyfriend when we go out, I'm sure he'd love to meet such a nice young lady like yourself.' She's looking at me like there's a bad smell in the air, almost squinting.

I notice the creases in her lips and her red cheeks. With a flick of her wrist she announces that I don't have to lie, that if I don't want to date her then I can just say so. As I stand holding my glass of wine with my mouth open she walks away from me. I tap my foot and pretend to enjoy the music. Shit.

Look Past The Person You Think I Am

Turning faces,
brows lowering.
I'm smiling.

Expressing
total sincerity,
I walk through
interested gazes.

How Cunning is the Perceptive Nature?

Though my withered eyes see through the darkest heart
my heart is on show to those of any strength.
I knuckle down and know I must play my part.

My soul is an open book read by many.
People who know me know I'm complex and deep.
I reckon my words are as good as any.

Drops of rain water run down my smiling face
though my grin is one of pure satisfaction.
My positive thoughts gather speed and gain pace.

I notice him delving into a bad mood.
I'm smiling but I'm holding back being nice.
I'm not polite but then I'm not being rude.

With this attitude I'll succeed all the time
while other people's moods seem like pantomime.

That's Me In A Tin Box

Daniel Thomas Wood
So misunderstood
Lovingly controversial
Seemingly uncommercial

Close The Curtains, She's Gone

I'm staring at the doors opening as the cold wind rushes onto my face. I feel this surge of energy like there's a magnetic current being sucked out of me. The men in black coats lift the coffin onto their shoulders as I sense a wave of emotion making me feel like crying.

The coffin comes through and everyone around me stands to attention. The intensity begins as we walk after the coffin. I feel myself imagining her smiling. We walk slowly into the large room as the coffin rests in place next to some red curtains. We take our seats and I feel my fingers shaking.

Sitting down my whole arm starts to shake. A grey haired gent with red cheeks begins his speech. It's ingeniously written. My jaw tenses as the cold wind rushed around my arms. My whole arm is shaking along with my legs. This always happens at funerals. I listen to the speech and in my mind's eye I can see her laughing away in the pub.

People are crying as I stare directly downwards, my legs shaking violently. I bite down onto my jaw as the remembrance song plays. It's Elvis. My eyes well up and I feel I might cry. I'm aware I can hold it in although it's not important. No-one's going to think less of a man crying at a funeral.

I see tears in the eyes of people I never expected could cry. There's Big John, a bald headed man with a heavy set body and a thuggish look to him. His eyes are red and awash with emotion and I feel like it's okay to cry. I don't cry though. I sit there shaking, biting down on my jaw like I'm waiting to breathe again.

The last song is beautiful and modern. I've heard it in the charts somewhere. The red curtains close around the coffin and amongst the whimpers and tearful sniffles lies a positive vibe. We all remember Pat as a strong and kind woman. That fact alone sends a strong feeling lighting up the many sullen faces around the room.