Annoyance and Resilience

Some people piss me off. I know I need to change. If I change my life will change. I try avoiding them. They catch up with me. It’s like I'm not ready. I don't blame them. I blame myself. If I'm strong no one can affect me. If I think things through I can avoid making mistakes.

My Nan stands in the kitchen chopping potatoes. I'm developing the plot for my novel. The smell of Sunday dinner fills the bungalow. It's Friday.

The air seems fresh. The water is calm. I walk along the damn wall. I vault over a gate. Man, woman and child watch in amazement. I stand tall. I lose myself on the surface of the water. The wind blows into my right ear.



I start the snake form. I strike out. I shift stance. I jog down a rocky path. A cyclist overtakes me. I breathe in. My chest expands. This is my getaway. What will it be like when my Nan moves to Sheffield?

I feel strong. It doesn't matter if people show disrespect now. It doesn't matter if they laugh. It's not an issue if they take the piss. I'm strong. Something inside me forms a shield. All forms of annoyance fail to penetrate it. Insults bounce off. You can't attack me. I just laugh. I've got better things to do.

I'm drinking coffee. It's decaffeinated. Random concerns infest my mind. I shrug them off. I'll meditate. My mind comes into sharp focus. Maybe I'll send a few texts. I know I'm going back tomorrow. I'll be out at nine. I'll train hard even if the rain pours. Progression is inevitable in this state of mind.

Lisses 2007

Friday the 10th of August.

I dragged my suitcase up the path towards the bus stop. I pictured Lisses in my minds eye. I sent texts on my mobile phone. I stared out of the window of the busy bus.

I had my Powerball in my left hand. I watched a guy sit down. He took sips from a can of coke. A woman to my right leered at me. What's her problem?

The coach pulled up and the driver walked out of the coach door. He grabbed my bag and heaved it to the back of the coach. He seemed really pissed off. I didn't know why.

I sat down next to the guy that had been sipping coke and introduced myself. He said he was from Poland and had been on a week long drinking binge in Sheffield. He started telling me about his wild nights.

I got my writing pad out but didn't get one word down. We ended up joking and laughing the whole two hour trip. It seems stupid to me that in our society it is considered strange to talk to strangers. We were having a right laugh. I said my farewells to the Pole and got off the coach in Manchester.

I ordered a burger king meal and made it extra large. As I chewed my Burger in Piccadilly station my mind started to wander. Look at all these people. They conform to a certain way of acting and thinking. They're like monkeys. Yes, we're all just monkeys in essence.

Paul rang me and told me he'd be five minutes. I made my way down to the taxi ranks. Paul turned up on foot. We walked towards his car. He had parked near the recording studio where he works.

We stopped by the recording studio. Paul's friend kindly gave us directions from Paris to Lisses. Paul suggested we go to Disneyland Paris on our trip. I smiled and told him I thought it was a good idea. I said that's what two grown men should be doing alone on holiday. Paul laughed out loud and so did his mate.

We drove and I talked for most of the journey. I told him about my conquests with women. I talked about my past, my plans and my hopes for my future. He played a CD full of amusing songs he'd made. We chuckled along to the CD.

We checked into our hotel in Coventry. Paul told the two attractive receptionists our reservation number. They gave us a key. We rolled our suitcases to our rooms. We both let out a sigh of relief. We had the same fear. Good job the room had two beds. Now that would be gay.

I asked Paul if beating noises would wake him up. He looked at me with disgust. I laughed at him. I was talking about my chopsticks. He seemed relieved. We decided to head out for some dinner.

We arrived at the restaurant. I jumped over a fence thinking it was a good shortcut. Suddenly Paul was on the outside and I was on the inside on the restaurant. I walked past the woman greeting Paul. Who knows what the security staff thought? Paul and I took a seat and ordered soft drinks.

We ate our dinner but it wasn't great. My chicken burger was rock hard. My chips were cold and salty. Paul's a vegetarian. He didn't like his meal either.

We decided on a desert. The waitress warned us it was very rich. She wasn't wrong. I asked the waitress for the bill. I asked her for her telephone number in a silly voice. Paul looked at me in surprise. The waitress laughed. She returned to make sure everything was satisfactory. She was extra nice. I'm sure she fancies me.

We took a walk in the night air and filmed some amusing material for the video. I cut my exercises short and we went to sleep. We'll be in Lisses by lunchtime tomorrow.

Saturday the 11th of August.

My eyes felt like they'd been glued together. My alarm gave a rendition of the most annoying jingle in the world. Paul commented on how annoying my ringtone was. I laughed. I wake up to this every morning. It’s great. It really makes you get out of bed to cease the noise. We got our bags ready and walked out into the cold car park. The satellite navigation system talked us though our journey. We got to the airport in little over ten minutes. Now it's on. I can feel it.

We walked into the checkout area. It looks more like a small military base than an airport. We played on arcade games in the waiting lounge. We competed but managed to get the exact same score. This game is pants. I sat down and noticed a guy staring at me. In my tired state it was really starting to piss me off.

We walked onto the plane and I came to a realization. The guy staring at me is gay. He probably thinks Paul and I are gay. I stopped staring. I told Paul that there was a gay man giving me the care bear stare. I joked about the guy wanting angry sex. Paul laughed. I tried to avoid eye contact from that moment forth.

We walked around the airport in Paris. It's huge. Fuck figuring out the route. We decided to take a taxi to Lisses. The trip cost us fifty Euros. It was worth it though. We're in Lisses. Now the fun really begins.

We checked in and some of our Polish mates from last year were already in the hotel. There are around ten of them this year. There were six guys from Bristol staying in the hotel. They told us about things going missing from the rooms.

We walked to dam du lac. It was great to see the lady of the lake again. We walked through the centre of Lisses. I started to get that feeling you get when you know you're about to have a great time.

We walked through the supermarket and packed a basket full of fresh food. We walked back to the hotel to lighten the load.

We spotted two shifty characters in reception. They looked like heroin addicts. They must be robbing the hotel. Maybe the reception guy is in on it too. His name tag did say Desire after all. Maybe his Desire is for more than just good customer service. Maybe his desire is to steal our valuables. The cleaning staff are involved too. They check the room for goods. They tell Desire and he relays information to the two drug addicts. We know the score. You can't pull the wool over our eyes.

We walked to the forest and met up with one of the Lisses traceurs. Paul tried a swinging lashes but he missed the rail and fell straight onto his arse. He stood up and limped around, clutching his arse in both hands. I couldn't help laughing to myself. He said he'd have to rest for a while.

We caught the Bristol guys pretending to scream and jump over obstacles. I asked them why they were doing it. They told me they'd seen our stupidity video from last year’s trip. I couldn't believe it. What a small world the traceur community is.

We got back to the hotel and decided to go across to the pizza place. We finished our meal and had a short walk. We were functioning on four hours sleep. It was time for an early night.

Sunday the 12th of August.

We'd ordered breakfast and paid a bit extra for it. We trudged down to reception. I grabbed a tray. I don't usually drink coffee but fuck it. I'm on holiday. I poured myself a cup of coffee and a glass of orange juice. I had some chocolate cereal and a baguette with butter on it. That's a great start to the day.

We started our training on dam du lac. I marvelled at the thirty metre high climbing wall. My left hand was severely bruised so I couldn't put any weight on it. Paul had a bruised arse and could barely walk. I had to laugh. Parkour was off for both of us. I decided to condition my body for when my hand was better. I started with squats and calf raises.

We walked towards Evry with the Polish guys. I looked at one of the Polish guys. He had Lister's hair style from red dwarf. There were eight Polish guys, two Polish girls and one guy from Czechoslovakia.

Paul and I assessed the landing spot. We could hear the three polish guys above our heads banging their feet on the roof. They're going to do it. I can't fucking believe it. I started to get really nervous. My palms were sweating. We might see a parkour death here.

I was joking about the gap when out of the corner of my eye one of the Polish guys flew through the air and landed into a roll. I cheered. My heart was beating fast. Before I could recover from the shock a second Polish guy flew though the air and landed into a roll.

The jump is from one building to another. It is very high up. Failing is almost certain death. I looked over the gap and got dizzy just standing at the edge. Just when we thought we could relax a third guy flew through the air. He seemed to glide in slow motion. He landed heavily and managed to roll. This is too much excitement for one day. A fourth Polish guy finished the quartet. We'd seen four people do this dangerous jump. We were amazed.

Cars stopped and people stared from the streets below. Paul interviewed the three guys who had jumped first. Paul and I decided to walk back to Lisses. We got lost between one street map and another. We wandered around for about an hour before finding the bridge to Lisses.

Paul and I walked into the pizza place. We joked that two men alone eating pizza looked gay. Our humour soon turned to paranoia. What if they think we're gay? I commented on the pretty waitress. She looks like a young Julia Roberts. Paul agreed. I can't wait till I learn French. I'll be so good at speaking French I'll be able to talk to these waitresses. It'll make the trip so much more worthwhile.

David Belle's brother turned up at the hotel. He said that David would be angry about the manpower gap. Paul and I discussed this matter with the Polish guys. David's brother went to see if David was home. I understood where he was coming from. It was a dangerous jump.

David's brother returned holding a picture. It was a collage. The whole picture was made up of tiny hands. It looked like one large hand holding the globe. We all signed the back of the picture. Paul and I got our photograph taken holding the picture. We didn't know why.

I went out alone to dam du lac and did some climbing. I climbed and pushed my strength till I couldn't hold on any longer. I walked back to the hotel a happy man.

Paul and I went to one of the rooms the Polish guys were staying in. We plugged Paul's camera into the flat screen television. We watched our footage and laughed over the manpower gap. It was funny because people did it and made it look so effortless. In the back of my mind I knew it was a serious jump.

Monday the 13th of August.

Paul pulled a trick out of his sleeve. He had Yan Hinatra's mobile number from when we bumped into him in Paris last year. One of the Polish girls was called Mariah and she could speak Polish, English and French fluently. She rang Yan. We turned down meeting David, thinking that we could meet him another day. We arranged to meet Yan for a day out in Paris.

We bought a ticket and ran down a flight of steps to board the train. We made it onto the train. We were on our way to meet the Yamakasi's Yan Hinatra. We couldn't wait.

We arrived in Paris and Mariah phoned Yan. She spoke to him in French and then relayed the message back to us. Yan was on his way.

I turned away at Yan's breath. He was suffering from severe halitosis, or more specifically, we were suffering. He spoke to us through Mariah as our interpreter. Something wasn't right. Yan got a phone call and ran off.

Yan led us onto a train. We eagerly anticipated our day ahead. There was one question on everybody's lips. Why didn't he look like Yan Hinatra? We stepped off the train and a French police woman told me to put a t-shirt on. I told everyone it was because she fancied me.

Yan lead us further into a region of Paris we'd never heard of, only now he'd gained a new persona. We were calling him Fake Yan. It was a running joke between two English guys and ten polish guys. We saw Yan drop from a wall that was no higher than two feet. His legs nearly buckled. We all looked around at each other. Fake Yan didn't look like a skilled traceur.

Yan kept us going for hours. Every fifteen minutes he took an imaginary phone call. When he put the phone down he told us that William Belle and David Belle were coming. He claimed to be the president of the Yamakasi. His lies got worse.

Yan told us that David Belle was watching us train from a distance. If we were good enough we could have a role in the new district thirteen movie. There was a special village for us to film in. Yan told us we could have free accommodation because the yamakasi had places where traceurs could sleep. We would get paid for our film roll and a plane would be sent to pick us up from our homes.

It was getting past six o'clock and everyone was getting tired of Yan's lies. Yan took another imaginary phone call and a few of the guys mimicked him. We told him we had to leave and asked him if we could ring him again next year. He agreed. He has made our day, even if it was all a fabrication of the truth. The funny thing to me was that we passed up a training session with David Belle to meet Fake Yan. What a crazy guy.

We walked into the carre four supermarket in Evry. There was a guy wrapping bits of plastic around bags to make sure no thieves have easy access. I told Paul that this was the easiest job in the world. The guy looked at us and then asked us if we were English. He told us he supported Arsenal. Shit. He must have understood me. We walked though the supermarket and grabbed what we could.

We headed back to the hotel. Darkness fell. Paul and I decided to head out for some night time conditioning. We took two of the Polish guys. Next to these we looked like miniature people. They were really massive. After a rigorous session on the skate park we called it a night. Let’s get some sleep.

Tuesday the 14th of August.

Paul and I decided to get up early. In fact we'd got up at half eight everyday. We had breakfast and took a walk to the woods. We filmed a scene with Paul's high definition camera where we are looking for Yan around Lisses.

We warmed up on Dam Du Lac. The air was warm and the sun was beaming from the sky. We trained in Lisses. I warmed up. I was ready for my first bit of parkour. My hand was still bruised so I’d have to work on leg techniques. Halfway through my ten minute warm up it started to rain. Shit.

We walked to the undercover spot and saw one of the local guys. He told me about his jute keen do training. I asked him what other kung fu he had done. He told us about a style he'd been studying. Paul and I looked at each other. Did he say Jurassic park style? He told me about his triceratops kung fu and I smirked. I asked him to show me a move and he did. It was a head butting move. How fitting.

Paul and I walked back to the hotel. We joked about the Jurassic park style. Maybe there's a T-Rex branch. Maybe there was an advanced pterodactyl style too. We watched the day’s footage back with our Polish friends.

It started to get dark so we decided to have an early night. The trip was getting better by the day. Surely it couldn't get any better.

Wednesday the 15th of August.

The rain poured down the window as we ate our breakfast. Mariah had told us about a guy in her room. She suspected him to be the thief. We watched him and spoke out loud about him being the thief. We nicknamed him Larry French hands. He's the thief, there's no doubt about it. I assume he doesn't speak English, at least I hope so.

Surdi came down to us as we were messing about for the camera. He told us that David Belle's brother would be here soon and we could train in the gym in Lisses. Paul and I agreed to go along. How good is this?

We jumped in the back of Suzanna's car and we followed David Belle's brother to David’s house. There he is. He leant out of the window. Paul and I thought we'd seen him on Tuesday. If it was him it appeared that he was carrying some sort of musical instrument. So now we were outside David’s house. He went back inside. Paul and I made a joke where David would be too busy to come because he'd be practising his trumpet skills or watching the mountain of DVDs he'd have in his house.

Surdi told me not to speak much English because there had been a sigh of disappointment at us English guys tagging along. Regardless of this I was in high spirits as we dragged the equipment out of the store room. The obstacle course was beginning to take shape. David Belle's brother and a well known French physiotherapist told us to warm up. We jogged around the gym doing push ups and squats.

We lined up and did back flips, handstands, cartwheels and rope climbing. Each exercise seemed to get one step harder and each time we got advice from the English speaking physiotherapist on our technique. David arrived. I wasn't surprised as I expected him to come. Some of the Polish guys seemed a bit star struck.

We were taking it in turns to run around the assault course that was set up for us. One of the Polish guys twisted his ankle. We were out of time so we stopped the session. We got a group photo with David and everyone who was present. It had been a great day. We shook hands with David. We ran in the wrong direction for ten minutes. We jogged and walked back in the right direction and finally we got back to the hotel.

We had a pizza with the Polish guys. We finished the night off with a walk. Everyday was getting better. I was in disbelief. Tomorrow would be even better. We'd arranged to meet David Belle for some training. I couldn't wait to get to sleep.

Thursday the 16th of August.

We gobbled down breakfast and got dressed. My beard was growing thick. I knew I didn't really have to look great. I threw my bag over my shoulder and we headed out onto the sunny patio.

We filmed a slow motion scene for our video outside David Belle's house. David came out and led us through Lisses. He walked and I watched him moving. He looks strong. When he uses body language every movement is strong. I respect him more as I watch him. This is the man. He is the reason we're all here. He is parkour.

David set us a climbing task. We took it in turns to scale the wall. It was really hard and as I got halfway to the top my arms felt week and my legs were shaking. I fell down. I stood up and brushed myself off. I'll get it.

I watched David as he helped people. I looked at his hand and foot placement on the wall. I had three more attempts and each time I copied his movements. On the forth attempt I made it. I heard people cheering as I lifted myself up to the top of the high wall.

David told us how he'd jumped down from the top of this high wall when he was nineteen. He said he'd built up to it gradually over time. I looked down with shock. If I tried that jump I’d probably break my legs.

Back at the hotel everyone was buzzing. We'd trained with David Belle. We were so hyped up we headed out to the forest for some additional training.

We had our nightly video watching session with our Polish friends. I was beginning to feel a genuine bond with these guys. We'd brightened up their holiday and they had definitely made an impact in ours. Without us they would have never had the fake Yan experience. Without them there was a strong chance we wouldn't have trained with David. I slept with happiness in my heart. We had one full day left but I could go home a happy man right now. It didn't matter.

Friday the 17th of August.

Suzanna offered to take us to Paris as she had to visit a museum. Paul and I got in her car along with another Polish guy. We drove and I grinded the Powerball in my hand. I passed it to Paul and enjoyed the view. We listened to hip hop and I had a big grin on my face as I saw the Eifel tower.

We parked up at the museum. We bought our tickets and walked out onto an old airfield. We had tickets to see a Boeing 747 and Concorde’s first model. Paul and I had a terrific idea for the end of our video so we filmed it.

We drove back but we got lost. I'm about as handy with a map as I am with embroidering so I can’t really be of help. Paul was worried that we'd be late for our meeting with David. I stayed quiet and sent some texts on my phone.

We waited on the basket ball court for David. Paul asked me if I thought he would show up. I didn't think so. I didn't care though. This is the best holiday I could have ever wished for and I'm surrounded by people I really enjoy being around. I'm content.

We trained all afternoon. It was the first real parkour we'd done since we got to Lisses. Paul felt satisfied with the session and I loved it. We got some good footage too.

The Polish guys crept through the night like ninjas as Paul filmed them with his night vision camera. I trained on my own in a park and a gang of youths congregated near me. I remember what Sebastian Foucan had said to Paul. Be careful in Lisses, there are dangerous people around at night. If they're trouble causers I can at least outrun them if not fight them. I just trained hard. I'm not the type of guy who likes fighting but I'm not the scared type either. They were kicking the roundabout in the park and shouting the occasional French word in my direction. I didn't know what they were saying.

We shook hands and hugged our Polish friends. I was really going to miss these guys. We told them that we'd train next year at the same time and they agreed. I almost had a tear in my eye as we strolled back to the hotel. I packed my suitcase and laughed out loud. Who would have thought that one week could be so fulfilling?

Saturday the 18th of August.

We ate breakfast then carried our suitcases into the car park. Suzanna was already in her car. We put our cases into the boot. We drove towards Paris and with each minute that went by I realised we were going home. My face became serious. I know I'm taking memories with me that will a lifetime.

I hugged Suzanna and we checked in with our bags. I looked out of the window of the plane. The plane shook gently as we glided towards England. Everything around me told me the magic was over. The hostess spoke English. The magazines in front of our seats were English. Soon it'd be back to normal. I know I'm going home while at the same time I know I’ll never be quite the same person again.

The Creative Lifestyle

I just woke up. I've felt better. I'm hung over and my stomach is asking me why I ate that kebab last night. What a night!

Before I get to the BBQ my cigarette cravings are driving me wild. I quit smoking over a year ago. I explain it to James,
'I still have really strong cravings even now, I really miss smoking, it's weird, but I know I'll never smoke again.' I watch people taking drags and chain smoking. A voice inside my head says
'Just ask for one, smoke it, it'll be great.' No, back you foul cravings. I'm never going to smoke again. It does look appealing to me though. I didn't take a puff, don't worry. I did dream about smoking though. I suppose the cravings never leave. That's something I have to accept.

I start my night walking through the city centre. I've got four cans of Guinness, a spare jumper and four beef burgers in my rucksack. I walk into the smoky garden and say my hellos. Rich introduces me to everyone there. I recognise some faces from Rich's last BBQ and some guys are from my kung fu class. You never feel quite as safe around a crowd more than when some people know kung fu, especially if they're in your class. They're your brothers.

There are guys and girls drinking and laughing together. I'm totally relaxed. I'm not on the pull or trying to prove anything to anyone. I can pull at other times in my life. It's not like I have a quota to fulfil. I crack open a can and place two beef burgers on the BBQ. I'm immersed in smoke for a few seconds, blinking and trying not to breathe in.

A great thing happens. I love the fact that it does happen. I stand there on my own with my can of Guinness feeling like a bit of a spare part. One guy walks up to me from my left, another from my right.
'You're one of those free runners aren't you?' An Asian guy asks me. Boom! Instant conversation. I grin because I'm talking about something I love. It’s a bonus that people love hearing about it. Every time the conversation gets slow or people start shuffling their feet I bring up another interesting fact or experience. After a while I'm making new friends and the conversation is moving into new realms.

You start talking and people move round. There are a few times when I realise I'm standing by myself. Do I shift to that group of girls or the guys in the living room? I'll get another can. The black water is sliding down my throat like sweet medicine. I start eating one of my burgers. People mingle and groups change formation as the night progresses. I start to let go of everything. Forget inhibitions. Forget worrying if anyone likes you. Just be man.

James, Jamie, Rich, Rich's girlfriend and I are in the kitchen. Rich passes James something, telling him it'll make his stomach settle. James sucks the tablet and froth starts filling his mouth. He spits it out into the bin and everyone giggles uncontrollably. I know I'll have to get going sometime soon if I want to make my last bus home.

'Why are men always pissing on the seat? How hard can it be to go to the toilet without wetting the seat?' She asks the question like we're in court. James and I look at each other. Not this old card trick. She puts her body weight onto her back leg and says
'Come on guys, defend yourself.' I look at her and say
'Imagine getting a life ring, like the ones you use at the swimming pool if you can't swim, now imagine turning on a hose and getting it into the middle of the ring, you're gunna wet the ring at some point.' It wasn't the usual answer. She thinks about it for a moment but I don't think she agrees. I follow up with 'sometimes you're waiting for it to come out, then it squirts out like this,' I point my index fingers out from my crotch in two separate directions. 'Now you can lean to the left or the right, you're gunna piss on the floor at some point.' James laughs. He knows. She’s like
'You're lying' and I snap back with
'I am not lyin, it's like a snakes tongue.' In fear of lowering the tone we change the subject. A victory on my part I think. Guys one, girls nil.

Everyone's planning to carry on the fun in a late night bar. James asks me to come along. I explain that I have to get going. I don't have much money and don't want to reduce my daily food intake. I'm walking down the street with the group. Rich and James are sparring in the street. It's quite funny. Rich runs back up to the house and tells us to wait for him.

James comes at me and we start sparring in the middle of the road. I kick and he grabs my leg. I know I'm going down so I get him in a headlock. There we are. We're two exponents of the same style of kung fu. It's checkmate. We decide to stop and James is wheezing.
'Is that the fags?' I ask and he nods.

There's a point where Jamie asks me to come to the bar. I make a snap decision. That's one pizza less for next week. I hop in the taxi and we head for The Harley.

It's after midnight and The Harley is very much alive. We gather round the pool table. The red cloth reminds me of seedy American bars. The place has a really great atmosphere and I feel really comfortable. I stand tall and stick my chest out. Walk like you're on the catwalk Dan, it's all about acting, you own this bar. I laugh at my confidence and imagine myself telling someone that I own this bar. I order a pint of Guinness. I know I'm drunk but the great thing about Guinness is that I feel more focused with every pint. It's always had that effect on me.

I play pool but I'm a little rusty. I pull off an amazing shot then miss a simple one. I'm well out of practise. I used to be really good back in the local pub drinking days. Now I'm a shadow of my former skills. I enjoy playing regardless of my game and we take it in turns to play winner stays on.

There's a guy hanging round us. I'm mesmerized by his T shirt. It looks like a parkour T shirt. It's a picture of a building with little white men printed at various points. One of the guys apologises. The randomer knows his sister.
'He's a right piss head' says the guy apologetically. Shit I think, that used to be me. I used to be that guy who'd just hang around strangers. I let myself feel good by comparison.

If I take another sip of this black water I'm going to be sick. The randomer with the funky T-shirt taps one of the three lights that illuminate the pool table. The whole light falls down with a crash and the vicinity falls into darkness. There's a group playing pool on the table next to us. They look around trying to find some explanation. James walks away from the table and I follow him. Now it's just the randomer and the other guy.

Everyone seems to have gone besides Zoe, Jamie, James and I. I sip the last mouthful from my pint as the doorman tells us its closing time. I stand outside in a half-dream state, watching everyone smoking fags.

I say my goodbyes and get out of the taxi near Waitrose. I have an important decision to make. It's either a taxi home or a kebab and a long walk. Fuck it. I walk into the kebab shop and two nervous guys watch me as one of them asks what I'm having.

I walk home eating my kebab meat and chips. It always gets cold I think as I turn into a dark alley. Wait a minute! Who the fuck's this? There's a guy with no top on adopting a rugby stance in the middle of the street. He's fucking crazy. Check him out. I pass him with great caution. I might actually have to do this guy. Fuck me, look at him. He mumbles to himself as I walk past. I let out a sigh and feel relief he didn’t try to tackle me or do anything else.

I can hear a guy behind me shouting obscenities. If he comes close and tries a drunken attack I'm throwing my chips in his face, screaming like a Zulu tribesman and kicking him in the solar plexus. Then I'm running.

I realise the guy can't walk as fast as me. His obscenities drown out as I pace ahead. I have my block of flats in sight. I walk into my flat and strip down to my boxer shorts. I lie in bed breathing heavily and fall asleep.

I have this dream about a lion trying to attack me because I'm wearing a weird hat. Surely Aslan should recognise me from Narnia. My dream changes to me waking up, lighting a fag. I wake up for real and my mouth is as dry as dust. I have to get a drink.

Running on Will Power and Adrenaline

I opened the door and walked straight into the living room. I stripped down to my boxer shorts and did some leg stretches. I pulled my legs into the half lotus posture and put my palms on my lap. I breathed in and out slowly. I focused on clearing my mind of any thoughts.

We started training at two o'clock. We finished at nine. We trained for seven hours straight. By the end of the session I'd worked my way through two full pages of conditioning exercises. I made sure I did more than I usually do with each exercise.

We started with a warm up, which consisted of running around doing parkour. It really took it out of us. At one point we were sitting on the floor fighting for breath. After four laps of our training area we decided it was time to knuckle down to some serious movement training.

We trained around the centre of Sheffield. We then made our way up to the Hallamshire Hospital. That's where all the nice spots are. It's scenic and there are no city centre ambassadors to stop you from training. I was pulling off movements I’d previously struggled with. Riccardo was pushing himself too. I helped him to improve his climb up technique. He could do things that I couldn't in places. There were a lot of things that I managed to do that he couldn't.

People's reactions to our parkour training varied throughout the day. Pretty much everyone in town watched us as we moved from one hotspot to another. We walked through town with our tops off. We were sweating a lot. A group of girls stopped to have their photo taken with me. One of the girls asked me
'Are you one of those roof jumpers?' I smiled,
'Yeah, I'm one of those free climbers.' They walked off. I turned to face Ricky. ‘This is why I love parkour,’ he grinned. Another group of girls in a passing car honked their horn at us. A group of guys having a drink outside the graduate pub discussed parkour while we practised pop vaults on the building next to them. One guy shouted something about skinny guys out of his car window.

We were running down towards the train station. A group of girls stood watching us run past. One of them shouted
'Do a flip'
'Do you want to slap her or should I Ricky?'
'What?' He shouted, lifting the white earphone from his ear.
'She asked us to do a flip, flips aren't parkour.' We were running out of the bus station. Another woman cried out
'Do a flip!'
'Slap her Ricky!' I shouted.

By the time five o'clock rolled around my body was working on adrenaline. I hadn't eaten in hours. I felt like every one of my movements was quick and powerful. I set myself challenges and passed them all with ease. I'd conditioned my body throughout the day and now all my hard work was finally paying off. As I overcame obstacles I began to feel exited and elated.

I loosened my laces. I stood up straight. Nothing can stop me now. I feel focused. The bus pulled up. I showed my pass to the bus driver. I sat down. Now that's what I call a great day. It was so good I think I'll write about it on my blog.

It's Me You're Looking At

I've been childish.
I've been immature.
I've made you want to see me less.
I've made you want to see me more.
I'm hardcore now and I know the score.
I'll open myself up to people and walk through the door.

Waiting

She starts beating onto my chest with her fists and I grab her arms. The cries and leans into my chest. I fold my arms around her. I can feel her warm breath through my jumper.
'Why'd you do it? Why?' I can't say anything. I hold her tight and kiss her hair.

She's doing her hair and humming a song. I peer round the the door.
'Annabell.' She jerks round, startled. I tell her I'm going out. She looks at me with wide eyes. I look to the floor. Why am I doing this?

I slot my key into the lock. I check my pockets. I look at my clothes. No lipstick. Anabelle's up. She's sitting there staring at me. I walk in slowly and she stands up.
'What are you doing up love?' Her hands drop slowly from behind her back and I see the knife. She lunges at me with it. I put my arms up but the blade cuts into them. I'm screaming out 'stop it Anabelle, stop it Annabelle.' I look at the open door as Anabelle closes it. It makes a loud creak. Anabelle locks the door and everything goes black.

Smokin'

I sit back and in my minds eye I watch myself opening a cigarette packet. I'm looking around me on a mountain top. I peer over the hills and trees, the rocks and streams. I'm breathing heavily. I'm putting a hand to my stomach.

I put the filter to my lips and for a moment they stick to it. I kiss the cigarette. That's better. I fumble inside my pocket with my right hand. I pinch the plastic and lift the red lighter from my pocket.

I push my thumb down on the wheel of the lighter and press the gas button. The sparks flicker in the air and the gas turns into a flame. I lift the flame to the white stick. I suck on the filter. Smoke flows into my mouth. I stare down past my nose at the end of the cigarette as it goes a deep orange colour. The burning nicotine's making a crackling sound like a handful of dry leaves on a campfire.

I stare down at the grey lines that go around the cigarette. Each line should be one drag. I take a large drag of the cigarette and the ash burns away four grey lines. I feel the smoke swirling around the roof of my mouth, my tongue and my teeth. Now I breathe in. All the smoke from my mouth fills my lungs. I pause for a moment, lifting my chin slightly. My head feels really light. Suddenly everything is cool. I don't feel nervous or preoccupied. I breathe out with my lips in an 'o' shape. I stare ahead. I breathe naturally for a few moments. Time for another drag.

I shake my head. Daydream over. I stare at my skipping rope. Time to work the old muscles. Even though I know I'll never inhale nicotine again I miss smoking. It was a close ally.

Flirting - Imagine Your Suprise

Warning - Content May offend

Maybe It's The Sun

'Watch out for and city center ambassadors' he shouts, you look around you. He asks 'Do you think I can make this?'
'I don't know' you reply.
'Look, don't give me any of your philosophical bullshit' he spits.
'I don't know if you can make it' you answer. He screws up his face,
'Look, all I want is a straight answer, none of this oh it's your decision bullshit.' You raise your eyebrows
'Why are you getting irate?'
'I just want a simple fucking answer,'
'You're getting angry, I'll train on my own,' he screws his face up again.
'You're being a prick'
'I've got to go' you say, jumping over a wall and grabbing your bag. You heave it onto your shoulder and jump back over the wall. He walks closer to you and shows you the palms of his hands.
'Why are you being a cunt?' You're like
'I've got to be there at six,' turning and walking away. You look ahead and drink your water.

The Journey Peaks For Itself

Day One

'We're ten minutes late' I tell Ben.
'Oh I feel so guilty about making Shane wait' he replies. I stop walking and drop my tent along with three carrier bags that are full of food. I flex my fingers. This is fucking hard.

Little Danny taps me on the shoulder. Ben walks past me followed by Brad.
'Are you coming?' I ask. Danny says
'How?' I look away for a second then look back,
'Yeah suppose.'

I follow Ben and Shane onto the busy train.
'I thought she'd be running alongside the train waving mate' I say to Shane. He grins,
'She said she was gunna do that to show me up,' I laugh.

We walk onto the campsite. Dave asks me for my name.
'I think I'm Danny' I proclaim.
'You think you're Danny?' Liv ties a wristband tightly around my wrist. Jason tells us to follow him, he punches me softly on my chest.
'I've heard you've been training hard,' my eyebrows raise.
'Yeah, parkour and other stuff,'
'How's the lion dancing Danny?' Asks Jin. I tell him about our latest dance. This campsite is amazing. I've got great feeling about this trip.

I'm pushing the pegs into the hard ground.
'So much for the one second to put up' jokes Ben. I laugh.
'Yeah, it's one second to pop up, half an hour to pin down.' I love this blazing heat.

I grab the frisby and throw it to Cable. Shane's throwing the flying ring to Ben. A juggling ball flies towards my head. It's chaos.

Jason calls us altogether for a group meeting. We walk out of the campsite as a group. Paul's like
'Imagine their surprise when ninety people turn up,' he makes me laugh.
'Yeah they'll be like what's happening?' I hope we don't have to walk too far. We're turning a corner. People cry out with excitement as guys dash to the climbing frame, others running into the playing field. This park is amazing.

Ben clicks the red button, igniting the gas stove. I open my boil in a bag meal. I hand Ben the silver packet. Hang on a minute, what's this? I pull out an extra bag. Ben and I look at each other. I look at Shane. Ben's like
'What the fuck?'

'Look at this mate, my meal cooks itself, you add water to this bag and boof' I say to Ian. He screws up his face like I've just told him there's a green cloud in the sky.
'What the fuck?'
'I know!'
'That shit is crazy' I'm laughing hard.

'Did I tell you about my tea Paul?'
'No, why, what's wrong with it?' He asks in a dull tone. I pause for a moment for comedic effect.
'You add water and it cooks itself.'
'What the fuck' he says in a surprised tone, 'how does that work?'
'Well it must be some sort of chemical reaction. There's a pouch that you dip into the water and it gets hot,'
'What so it cooks the food? How hot does it get?'
'So hot you can't touch it,'
'Fuckin ell.'

I zip my sleeping bag up. I zip the front entrance to my tent closed. I might as well sleep naked, I'm pretty hot from all that exercise. It'll be warm enough.

Day Two

I open my eyes and breathe in sharply. It's so fucking cold. How can it get this cold so fast? I feel my way around the floor of my tent. Where's my jumper? I slip the jumper over my head and pull on some jogging bottoms. I zip myself back into my sleeping bag and squeeze the opening around my neck. I must keep the heat in.

I open my eyes and squint at the bright daylight. I reach over and open my tent. has it been raining? I touch the sodden grass. I peal back the banana skin. As I eat I wash the fruit down with some fresh orange juice.

We look at each other at the back of the train. The conductor looks over the carriage full of traceurs. He turns to face the window. Great, free travel.

The train grinds to a halt at Grindleford station. One hundred traceurs pile out of the train and walk up to the bridge. Everyone stops marching as Jason shouts
'Stop, we're going to be doing a jog up to Paddley Gorge. Right now we're going to do some ankle mobility exercises'. A hundred eager traceurs squat then leap up in tandem. I keep low and sort out my bag. Shane's standing doing pelvic thrusts. he chortles to himself.

The group stops walking and I look up the hill. One after another the traceurs jog up into the woods. This is an amazing sight.
'I think i'll walk' announces Shane. I agree to walk and we start our journey. I sip water from a two litre bottle.

Shane and I walk out into the open air. Everyone is stretching next to Paddley Gorge. I take off my bag and my shirt. I jog away from the group alongside the stream. Shane follows me halfway then stops, telling me that his feet hurt.

Our group walks up the hill towards the yellow ice cream van.
'I'll have the knickerbocker glory please' I say. A voice in my head says and your number on my hand. And your number on my hand! I laugh at myself and walk back down the hill, licking my ice cream.

'Yeah you said that quite seductively' admits Paul. I laugh and Ben says
'Do it to me,' I look down momentarily.
'I'll have a knickerbocker glory, no it doesn't sound the same'
'Try again,' I'll try a deeper voice.
'I'll have a, no I can't do it, it feels wrong, I just feel dirty now'
'Well you don't fancy me, that's a good thing.'

We drop our bags on the first peak. We sit down and Danny Ilibaca talks to us as a group.
'You know we're all here because we're reaching for something, we want to escape from something, I mean it when I say this guys, I love you all, I love all yous guys sitting here,' I swallow the lump forming in my throat and stare into the distance. I nod. This is just what I need right now, what a great trip.

Danny's on his mobile.
'Haha you gimp!' He shouts in a Liverpool accent. Everyone else chuckles. 'What are you doing all the way over there mate. Yeah i can see you and Livewire on that tiny rock. Your all the way in the distance mate. I'm not coming over there, this is where we're meant to be.' This does feel like this is where we're meant to be. 'Okay love you man' he puts the phone down and I stare at him for a moment. Who says I love you to people over the phone these days? That's great. We watch Danny's brother (Chris Ilibaca) and livewire walk towards us in the form of two tiny specs.

'You know I was like why are you shouting at me? then I realised that school takes your options away from you. School tells you that you can't achieve your dreams. They said i'd never be anything but look at me now, I'm doing what i want to do.' I walk behind Danny as he talks to Serious John and some of the other traceurs in our group.

We get to Higgar Tor and everyone scouts the area looking for places to train. Serious John squeezes through the tiny caves that form under the rocks. Ben is cat passing over a huge rock and landing into a presision. I do some jumps barefoot.

'Do you think we'll make it?' Paul shouts from behind me. My foot lands on a rock as I hollar back
'Yeah, we'll make it,' you have to believe! Ben runs with three bags. The three of us pass small groups of traceurs as we run. We sprint down the dirt track and turn onto the main road. The train pulls in as we run to the platform. 'It's good to know that if we needed to do that to save our lives then we could,' Paul nods and Ben catches up, clutching his three bags close to his body.

Rick offers to drive us to the shops. Shane, Deckard, Rick and I get into Rick's car. He tells us it's the rickmobile as he pulls out of the car park. I'm looking around me at the huge hills.
'There's only one thing on my mind right now and that's sledging,' the other guys laugh at me. Rick tells me he likes my songs on myspace and I thank him for telling me.

The trace reps hand joss sticks to everyone in an attempt to keep the flies away. There must be thousands of them. Jin's dad talks us through a charity organisation presentation. I like the fact that some of the money from this trip goes to the charity. The video plays, depicting African communities plagued by illness and disease. This is really thought provoking and touching. Jason announces that trace will be giving one hundred and fifty pounds to the charity. Everyone applauds.

I'm standing next to my tent staring at the silhouette of the trees against the dark sky whilst doing chi gung breathing exercises. Cheers rise from the top of the campsite. I wonder what they're doing.

Day three

My alarm rings and I open my eyes. I sit up. I open my tent and Ben shouts
'Sausages Danny.' I grab the metal tin and stab my spork (half spoon, half fork) into a sausage. I peer around me at all the campers having breakfast. This is great.

We're running to the train station. I look over my shoulder to see Jason. He's shouting
'Come on guys, hurry up,' well you're last mate.

The BBC guy positions his camera and gives me the thumbs up. I breathe deeply. Danny Ilibaca's words echo in my mind. Just relax mate, you can do this. I step down and turn to the camera man.
'Ar I've been looking at it too long. Let me do a few jumps then come back to it.' I jump from one rock to another and back onto the rock I started on. 'Okay I'm ready.' I fly through the air and land on the rock I'm aiming for. One of the film crew walks to the point where I jumped from and shakes his head. I grin.

I wake up from my power nap and stare at the sky. Owen and Jin are chatting with Tom and a few other traceurs. I stand up and zip up my bag.
'Are you going?' asks one of the Leeds guys.
'Nah mate I'm going down to the cafe,' he nods and I smile. I'm going to enjoy this alone time.

'Eighty six' the waitress calls for the fourth time. She looks over at me and puts her hands on her waist.
'Oh you mean me? I didn't know I had a number.' I grab the plate and stare at it for a moment. This is the biggest full English breakfast I've ever seen. I grab a knife and fork and sit down. I'm going to take my time over this.

I finish the last rash of bacon and stare at the clock. I laugh quietly to myself. The conditioning is at two. This clock is stuck at twelve o'clock. I order another coffee. maybe if I stay here long enough I'll miss it. Oh what a shame.

I get to the top and ask Shane
'How was the conditioning?'
'I don't know, don't think we've done it yet,' oh shit. 'I'm going home tonight anyway, is the cafe open?' He asks me if I want to go back down to the cafe. I agree to go and we walk away from the group.

I order a pint of Guinness. The waitress shoots me a sideways glance. I joke with Shane,
'They shoot me a look like I'm an out of work club rep. A pint? At this time? Surely not!' The waitress smirks and I laugh out loud. Shane and I sit down on a bench and I sip my pint. There are two kids with their mothers playing a word game behind us. 'If I had kids everything'd be a game, right, if you tidy your room you win some peace and quiet,' Shane joins in with
'Yeah go and make daddy's tea.' We walk to the train station. Shane asks me if I'm joining him on the trip to Sheffield. I don't know what to do.

Paul, Claire, Deckard, Dean, Rick, Ben and I are on the park practicing bails. Everyone bursts out laughing as I clip both feet on a cat pass. Dean does a dash vault and misses his hands, landing flat on his arse. We all laugh. I turn round and see traceurs filling the park. The conditioning session is soon. I hope this doesn't get awkward.

'I'm really tired' says Ben. I'm like
'I'm fine, in fact this is the only time I've felt at top form this whole trip,' I drill precision jumps on the slide. Jason and the other trace reps are calling everyone onto the field. Dave waves me onto the field and says
'Come on,'
'Nah I'm alright mate, I'm just going to do my own thing.'
'No come on,' I lower my brow
'I'm alright thanks,'
'Come on, you have to, it'll be fun, come on it won't take long.' Jesus. I storm into the centre and glare into space, stretching my bruised hand. Everyone can tell I'm pissed off. I don't care. Fuck it. It'll be over soon, i'll just plow through it aggressively.

'Right we'll start off with a quick warm up, everyone, thirty press ups,' the whole circle gets down into position. I'm doing the press ups fast. I count thirty and kick my feet in between my arms. I touch my knees to my chest and kick myself up onto my feet. Bring it on. 'Right that's it for the conditioning today, we'll do it tomorrow morning. Your mission is to tell someone your view of parkour.' Oh my god. I was ready for that then. Now I've got all this aggression and no outlet. I jog back to the park from the field and step up onto a wooden bollard. I jump through the air and land on a wooden bench. This feel great.

Ben and I get back to our tent. I'm calm now. parkour gives me an outlet that no therapy could ever offer.
'Shall we stay up for a bit and chat?' Ben suggests.
'Sure mate' I say and we start chatting about the opposite sex. Ben says
'So if something came along...'
'I know what you're gunna say and yes, if someone came along who I really respected and cared about enough to commit to then I would. I'd have a girlfriend. I don't think you can just settle for anyone,' Ben nods and I carry on talking about the women I've dated over the last few years. Ben talks to me about his girlfriend and what's on his mind. I offer advice and we cook our boil in a bag meals.

I pull my legs into the half lotus posture and place one hand on top of the other in my lap. The cool air blows through my hair and I smile. I'm clearing my mind now. All the problems that enter it are quickly forgotten. It's been a great trip.

Day Four

I fold my tent four times and shout Ben. He walks up to the showers and I pack my bag. I look up into the trees. A bird is singing to another bird and the other bird is mimicking the song. The cold water flows over rocks and the leaves blow in the wind. Soon it'll be time for cars speeding and buses picking people up.

Ben stands up to let an old guy sit down. I look at a blond woman. She's flicking through the pages of a book. Wait till I write my first book. It'll be so great to know that people are reading my material. Ben sits down in front of the blond woman. I'd give her an eight. She looks over her shoulder and I look away. She looks back to the book. She looks behind her and looks me dead in the eye. I look away again and grin. Ben smiles at me and I nod and smile back. It's been a fantastic journey. I've learned a lot.