Cracking Under my own Scrutiny

I punched him in the ribs. He was already hurt from the two times I punched him there last week. I'd hit the other guy's arm so hard with my arm a large purple lump formed above the forearm flexor muscles. I knelt down, laughing in hysterics. I screamed with laughter. Rich stood over me and pointed towards the door.
"Go home." I laughed harder. Had I become what I've always hated. Am I a bully?

I joke with her and my flippant attitude gets in the way of our conversations. Does she feel like I don't appreciate her enough? Do I lack in showing her that I care? Am I that insensitive? It's all a wash of confusion and I need the remedy.

I tell people I'll do something then I don't do it. I've been proclaiming that I'll do jobs and perform favours for the people in my life. I'm so inconsistent. People must be amazed at how unreliable I am.

The truth is I gaze into space and something takes over. Something matters more than those responsibilities. I get to thinking and I find myself moving forwards. I'm driven to find something exiting and interesting to do. Before I realise what's happening it's too late to do anything constructive. It's just too late.

The emotion builds up inside me and I dive inside my mind like a tunnel. No-one penetrates this lair. No-one gets close to me. I'm at the base of the tunnel hugging a blanket. I smile and I'm responsive but it's not me. I'm merely a shell of who I want to be. I want to tell you things but something always holds me back. I'm a bundle of inhibitions, afraid I'll be too controversial for your liking. You'll hate me and it'll all be my fault. If only I'd kept my big mouth shut.


I'm walking through the park. Something takes over. I stare at the shining turquoise leaves swaying in the summer afternoon air on the elephantine trees standing taller than friendly giants. My eyes grow wider and I stop walking completely. I breathe in deeply till my chest fills out and my shoulder blades relax. I breathe out and my diaphragm contracts. I put my bag down. I'm breathing deeply, focusing on my guts and my instinct. It'll all be better soon. I can rest easy. There's a remedy I'm always searching for. The truth is I'll have to accept who I am and hope others can accept that too. I'll try and understand myself better. I have to love myself. What am I without love?